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27
Mar
There are more interesting things happening right now in my roller coaster week (began with a 2 hour sob and ended with an internship), but here’s what I’m actually thinking about.
Okay. Everyone I’ve ever met has asked me, “Have you heard the news?” And guys, OF COURSE I know the last Harry Potter is going to be split into two movies. I know. And whoever begins this conversation thinking it’s an awesome thing has their opinion completely changed by the end of it–not due to my mind tricks, although I am always practicing those, but because of just plain logic. The logic is this: why would you take the most INTENSE, ACTION-PACKED, BLAM BLAM BLAM ONE BAD THING AFTER ANOTHER AFTER ANOTHER AFTER A HEDWIIIIIIG book and interrupt that? My friend at work and I weren’t able to sit down and read it as soon as we’d like, so we read during our breaks, and though we said we wouldn’t spoil it for each other, we couldn’t help it, whoever had break first would come back all shaky and just go, “Ohhh my God, Death Eaters. That is all.”
I understand it’s a matter of money–obviously Harry Potter has disappointed financially [jest--ya'll are just greedy]. But I stand by my convictions. Just because you chose to leave out crucial details from the first six movies doesn’t mean you should sever the last one. Make it 5 hours long if you have to–I will even accept an intermission–but six months is too much.
Sadly, Pretty Big Wheel does not have the influence it should in the entertainment industry [yet], so this argument amounts to nothing. Neither will the following one, but as long as we’re on a roll of unnecessary and ultimately childish discussions, let’s talk. Where should the first movie end? What should the splitting point be? Because I am 10 years old, I regularly check The Leaky Cauldron, and this is exactly their poll. Their main options are: after the Silver Doe, after Malfoy Manor, or after Gringotts. My vote was immediately for Gringotts, but I was extremely surprised to see that that is the least popular, with the Silver Doe at the forefront. Here are my thoughts.
Yes, the Silver Doe is pretty much the center chapter. Yes, that’s where Ron returns from his brief stint as an asswipe, and the trio is reunited. But! Remember how pissed off Hermione is once Ron returns, and how long it takes for her to forgive him? And it’s not even until the next chapter that the trio even learns of the Deathly Hallows, thus making DH:I the worst named movie in the world, because all the movie-onlys will be going, “What the fuck are the Deadly Hollows, why did I miss that?” You might argue that well, after the Silver Doe could include them reuniting and setting off to see Xenophilius Lovegood, who then tells them the tale, but hello! Another Death Eater attack interrupts it! So then that’s the only logical spot to stop it, because you have to consider where something begins and the next thing ends.
- Silver Doe and Trio Reuniting // Xeno and the Hallows = Boring end and beginning, plus no Hallows reference in movie one.
- Xeno-Hallows-Death Eaters // Gang of Snatchers = Confusing. While the Hallows need mentioning, that is such an insignificant spot to stop it, drama wise.
So then the next option is to go with the next sequence, which would be Malfoy Manor. All right, understandable, as people are probably thinking, well, end and begin the movies at Shell Cottage, with a plot against the evil Bellatrix. That’ll get the fans going. Uh, but hi, my name is Dobby, and you absolutely cannot end the grimmest book of all on the grimmest note of all. Little children cannot leave that theatre thinking, oh my God, the elf is dead, I don’t give a shit about Harry Potter and his grave-digging, Hallow-denying, Horcrux-searching ways, because the goofy elf just died and I officially know the definition of sadness. That’s just how children’s minds work. Trust me, I’m a doctor.
Instead, Gringotts is the best place. Its bookends capture exactly what the book (and the series) is all about. I present another list:
- Movie I End: Adventure! Magic! Dragons! Good defeating evil (of both wizard and goblin persuasion)! The trio together, laughing maniacally! But! Looking off towards the castle. Visions of Voldemort searching for the Horcruxes. Renewed foreboding from the beginning of the movie. And now, renewed vigor to stop this madness. Danger and hope = Harry Potter.
- Six-month intermission: Omg. What is going to happen? This shit is getting so good, I can’t believe they stopped it there, the most perfect of stopping points, right when I am all dragon-invigorated to kick some Riddle ass. Voldemort and Harry are neck and neck. The next movie is going to be nuts.
- Movie II Beginning: Time is running out! The same sort of haste and threat from the first movie, but with even more fear because NOW you’re thinking, okay this is it, the end, there is going to be a showdown, and they’re both racing to those last few Horcruxes, and everyone knows Harry either lives or dies.
This is just perfect, I think. The movie is unfortunately split into two, but it encourages the same heart-pounding nature of the book, as though it were all in one piece. If you’re going strictly by words, yes, this is an uneven split. But just THINK of all the information at the end of the book. The most important parts of the book–of the series–are located in Harry’s mind. I have no idea how they’re going to achieve it, but somehow they have to make us feel for sure that he is going to die, just like in the book. And we need a LONG LONG time for the Dumbledore dream sequence. The first movie will be action-packed and intense, but the second movie is 1000x more important. And to really sell my proposal, in terms of series motifs, you are beginning and ending with the looming image of Hogwarts. If that doesn’t fill your heart with joy, then you’re a bitch.
Okay, that’s my write up. What is your math? Do you think of entirely different spots for them to split it? Proceed.
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