Part of the reason I never go out at night is that it makes me sick. Yesterday I went to see a movie in the city around three in the afternoon, and as we headed back it was eight, cripes all friday, I thought I was going to die. Hands were pushing against the inside of my skull, another pair were reaching down and punching my dinner, and I couldn’t sit up without keeling over. I slept for ten and a half hours and today I feel fine.

It happens every time I leave my room, or my house, or wherever I’ve been comfortable for a period of time. Now I’m no doctor, but my eyes are in such a state, they have to be the culprit. I think it has to do with my pupils and the fact that they don’t shrink in the light. I swear to God they don’t. They’re always huge and I’m always squinting, and it’s why you all think I’m a vampire. The changing of the lights at night, it kills me. It turns me blind and ill.

But the psychological interpretation would be that this is a physical manifestation of my natural antisocial sentiments, because that’s just melodramatic enough.

Lately I feel like my walking is getting me nowhere, like my shoes don’t catch the ground.

• The housing lottery at this school is crooked.
• My online midterm crapped out on me and I will have to take it again.
• I don’t have time to take anything again.
• I can’t write coherent essays anymore, or not with the ease I used to. These are bad.
• I’ve made friends.
• I got a job.

I know everything looks very messy right now and that the other pages don’t match up. I’m in the middle of redesigning. I’ll probably do the rest tonight.

I’ve been having this feeling that one of these days, I’ll turn the corner and there will be this big crowd there, and they’ll all break into applause and hand me flowers and chocolates and balloons, and one among them will come up to me and put his arm around me and gesture to the rest and say, “We are all really proud of you and your effort.” Because that’s just about what I need right now.

It takes such a monumental effort on my part to not be a Negative Nancy, particularly when I have nothing in the form of a pill, a friend, a family member, a kitty cat, a something physically here, sitting here on my bed, to help me. It takes such concentration and meditation. It takes sitting cross-legged with my hands on my knees, my nose pressed against the bed, and a physical willing involving calming my dog-whining noises down to heavy breathing and a very loud voice in my head and sometimes a quiet one in my mouth coaching me into controlling this.

Without a doubt, I seek reprieve within my work, which is why I’ve actually come to like Tuesdays and Thursdays as they are my busiest days. Back to back to back I go to class and I study hard, then I go to work and I give my best performance, and I never let my thoughts stray to anything resembling emotions. But it also means that when it’s all over, I come back to the room and I can hardly pin down the hand that wants so badly to crack into my skull.

The amount of control I have over myself now is outstanding compared to the way I used to be, but I wish I didn’t need it. I would like for something good to just come to me, for once. I’m just getting very tired of having to work for things and watching people who don’t have to work for things get whatever they’d like all the time without fail. I would like, for once, to have luck on my side. I would like to stop fighting with myself.

1. Waking up really, really cold.
2. Slowass walkers.
3. Snow.
4. Hurtful snow.
5. Comm. Ave. bus
   I. hitting the brakes like a crazy man.
   II. taking bizarre seven minute breaks every. single. round.
   III. leaving the doors wide open for seven minutes while everyone gets whipped in the face.
6. Food that is not in my room right now, and is in fact separated from me by eight flights of stairs and a wintry mix.
7. Five to eight extra inches of snow today, you’ve GOT to be kidding me.