Lately I have been, how you say, a crazy emotional sobbyface.  If it can be cried about, then by God I will cry about it, and I will wreck the shoulder of your t-shirt and your hotel pillow in the process.

But today, though my emotions were intense they were without a doubt 100% love.  It deserves that extra emphasis because it was like nothing before.  I got absolutely nothing done workwise not because of the crippling feeling of being alone but because I was too distracted by LOVE, WHOA.  I mean, WOW.  Just.  What was I doing crying all the time?  True, I wouldn’t consider it lucky to have to leave my Someone for a year and maybe more, but at least he exists and I can see him periodically.  At least the love is always here and there, so flawless in every single way, big enough to span the Atlantic and touch us both.  At least even when it’s thousands of miles away I can still feel it.  At least even when I wake up alone in the morning it’s all around me, a reminder everywhere, snuggling back in when I go to sleep.

The tears I cried earlier, while washing my hands and catching my face in the mirror?  They were from thinking about how happy this love makes me.  The glow and good color everyone has remarked on is of course not the sun I pretend it is, it’s this radiating out, this incredible heart-pounding feeling, like a sonic wave moving from heart to hip, tingling my toes.  I want a million ways to say it and show it.

And wow, I hope I wake up every morning feeling LOVE this intense.  Because if I can keep this up, I can’t even comprehend what I’ll feel when this year is over.

I got halfway through a post of misery last week when I forced myself to stop it, stop it now.  I’m not telling myself to get over it, because that’s just about the worst piece of “advice” anyone can give.  I’m saying find a way around it.  It hurts and it sucks and it’s not what you want, and complaining and whining can feel so good sometimes, and yes, these two weeks have felt like a lifetime, but allow the year to pick up some steam and before you know it it’ll be gone and you can do whatever you want.

That being said, I’ve gotten through the past two weeks of being back home better than expected.  I’ve hated it so strongly at some points, but also found myself not thinking twice about waking up in my bed with a cat I haven’t seen since Christmas.  Moving into my new house at college was pretty traumatizing, recalling the horror of past move-ins, but I’m getting used to the place as I always do.  I still don’t love my college, but I start classes again tomorrow which should keep my mind occupied.

I’m sure I’ve written at length about the exact same anxieties every fall.  It is a little bit different this time, though, with the added anxiety of an ocean.  But even that will be treated soon.  Looking ahead to Thursday with a fluttering heart.