Sunday, December 2nd, 2007
Pronuptia
What the past three days have taught me is that I am older than my age and should not consort with people who cannot get their head around the idea that actually, they need to start taking some responsibility, some initiative, and some enjoyment in life in a way that is not going to fuck people. Who keep others in mind and come to the conclusion that you know what? Happiness for the greater good is a terrific thing, and it fills your gut with a feeling incomparable to the one you get when you try so hard to be liked that a piece of you falls away.
For nearly a year now, I have been keeping my emotions in check. It has been necessary to battle the wretched sides of college, the ones that hurt my heart because these people, they have no sense of themselves, and even less for others. Every now and then, I get to thinking, and I wonder if this contentedness I profess, is it there? Or is that the front? Have I really felt anything at all, or has it only been a lack of despair? Am I numb and moving nowhere?
But last night, I decided to let go. I am surrounded by drunk bridesmaids, and I catch myself mimicking the inhibition. Do I have a boyfriend? Have I ever? And it pulls at me, these fears of expression, because the passion that burns inside me at all hours of the day is so far removed from the collected exterior that I keep, and so I never actually speak them to people because people won't hear of it, it is too strange for them to accept that I am a person who has for so long bottled up her secrets that they throb like extraordinary things. For a moment I think, wait, this is how it starts, when you pretend to be like other people to be liked and when will it stop and--
"It sounds like you have real feelings for this guy."
"You must be so excited. You're going to be sisters now, you're going to be family."
"Aren't you just so proud?"
--and I recognize now that there is no judgment, that I am allowed to say exactly what I feel. No more being cool, no more, "Yes, I'm pretty excited." It comes out all as a rush. I am so proud, of him and all he's done and how far he's come, and I really hate myself for going away next year because it seems like I don't care, but I do care, it's just that I also need to move myself forward and to get away from where I am, because it's true, I am desperately in love but I won't do anything about it, and it hurts to be reminded everyday that I won't do anything about it, and that's why, I just need to get away and be on my own and go somewhere where I can be like this because maybe someone will see me, but it is in no way reflective of how I feel about them, because my God I am so happy for them, you can't even know, he is my brother and we are so close, I am just happy, I am, and they are everything that I want to be, and how can I be like them if I don't go away? How can I be like them if I don't give myself the opportunity to, because one day I want them to be the ones that feel this happy, you know, sitting in the pews and completely unable to contain it, because I want everyone to feel this incredible, genuine happiness for other people, and that can't happen unless I leave, because it hurts me to be in love right now and good people don't want other good people to hurt, so I am leaving and they are staying, and I am happy.
I am talking, and someone is listening who has no apparent reason to listen to me, and it feels like the friendship I've been searching for desperately, people who have gotten over themselves and have found a center for their lives, and they are the way I want to be. And then I feel it--the snap of the strings on the mask--and I am not ugly.
Replies: 5 Comments
john said at 04:49 AM, 12.3.07:
I'm sick and can't sleep. it occurs to me, reading this, that in all the years I've known you I can count the number of times you and I have met face to face on the fingers of one hand. do you ever wonder why I still talk to you out of the blue? why I've read nearly everything you've made available? when you write, some part of me responds in a way that is completely inexplicable. I sense something undeniably beautiful. writing like this is the reason i read, and why your writing is one of the few bookmarks i allow on my desktop, and you will be for as long as you write
Ryan said at 08:33 PM, 12.3.07:
I could've told you that you're beautiful a long time ago!
I should have-in any case, meet up soon?
molly said at 03:26 PM, 12.4.07:
thanks very much, both of you. you're both huge parts of my life and i appreciate your responses to this. i don't see either of you nearly enough.
Addie said at 11:34 PM, 12.6.07:
Hey do you have a condom? ...srsly, comeon.
In any case, molly, you are someone i have a great deal of admiration for. In the past hundred years that I've known you, I like you b est like this. I know I don't tell you this often, and it's mostly because I assume you know how I feel and because you think I'm gay, but you really are one of the best people on this planet. I know your retard roommates can't see that, but that's only becuase they don't get it. I've found a lot at school that people just dont get it. I've never relied heavily on other for my happiness or to help me when I have problems, but you know what I've gone through lately and you are one of the few I thought to talk to. Immediately when I'm feeling low, espsecially as of late, I search for your name on my buddy list only to realize you've probably gone to bed. You just fucking get it molly s. griffin, you just fucking get it when no one else does. Maybe we're both out of our fucking minds, but I'm pretty sure we just grew up too fast. Now that I'm beginning to sound like an 80s highschool drama movie narration, I'll quit. I love you and I honestly don't know what i'd do without you as my life partner.
p.s. our apartment is going to be AWESOME. and we'll have a kitten. then I'm going to stand over you while you sleep with a kitchen knife. jsut for fun. : ) <33333333<333<3333333 do you like my hearts?!!?!!?!!
garv said at 11:49 PM, 12.6.07:
i recently got into a 5th grade-esque fight with one of my friends here at school...and all at once i realized that i'm right there with you. i'm sick of the crap, and the whining, and the he-said-she-said.
keep writing, molly. sometimes i just want to copy and paste what you say to my friends, and say "look, you can learn from this" and hope that they just magically become you. haha
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