|
|
Note: I am aware that this looks God awful in IE. Do yourself a favor and get you some Firefox before you get lost in the big scary world out there.
Thursday, April 10th, 2008
Does this look infected?
Folks, I may be a blind person some day soon. If this becomes the case, you may have my many mirrors, but you leave me my dignity.
These instruments of sight, which I once described in an English class as "yellow golfballs," thereby affirming myself as the least creative dimwit on the planet, have always been troublesome. I was in fourth grade when I realized I couldn't read clocks or chalkboards, and I was in fourth grade when I got the biggest pair of glasses they sold. Fifth grade I switched to contacts, and because that was in my developmental stage, that was when I realized that my eyes were enormous, thanks to the charming commentary of Dan V., who told me to "shut up, bug eyes." Years of facial self-consciousness: commence.
There was the rapidly declining vision and the constant need for red eye drops, which made my dad think that his 8th grade daughter smoked pot at the mall. There was the sty in 10th grade, irritated by the sand on the football fields, which then got stuck in the goop I put under my lids every morning. There were the ocular migraines, which freaked me the fuck out in junior and senior year and I went a while without telling anyone that I was seeing Jesus Christ in the foreground of everywhere I looked. Then there were the actual migraines caused by extreme photophobia, particularly on grey days.
Now, we are dealing with something else. My eyes don't want anything to do with anything. This started back on February 29th, which I remember because it was the day I had my interview and I got mad at Moses for making fun of the way I looked. Since that day that my eye went a little red, I was afraid that I had conjunctivitis, was told that it was actually keratitis, used steroid drops for a week, tried my contacts again, said fuck no look at my eye, switched to very different contact brands, and got the internship I interviewed for.
AND MY EYES STILL LOOK LIKE THIS.
I'm just about ready to dig them out. These new fancy contacts are supposed to be mad breathable and healthier, and I've been so diligent about not wearing them for too long, and really cleaning them, and making sure nothing is caught under the vast tents of my eyelids before putting them in. For the most part, I feel fine the entire day (aside from the headaches, which creep up around eleven in the morning and peak at seven at night). They'll look a little red or yellowy, but that's always been the case with me. But when the headaches become too much and I take them out, it's all over--my corneas explode. For whatever reason, taking them out feels like I'm taking a layer of skin with me. For all I know, I might be. I don't know. You could tell me any crackpot theory about why my eyes are like this and I'd probably believe it, as long as your explanation came with steroid drops.
I go back for my fourth consultation this Saturday. What if I have simply outgrown contacts? I would have to get the Lasik surgery then, although I have never wanted to. I fall asleep so much better when my eyes can't distinguish or focus on anything. On the other hand, I also fall asleep better when a giant isn't pounding his fist into my retinas, so I guess I just don't know. My body has really hit the fucking fan this year. It needs to get its head in the game--we are 20 years old, we are supposed to be at the height of our health, and this is no time to be bitching out.