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Friday, April 11th, 2008
Idol Taketh Away
I am trusting American Idol less and less. Reason the first, they had their big Idol Gives Back night this week, and I went online to give $20, the most a college kid can afford these days. I got an error message. Whoopsadaisy, let me go back and make sure I put in the right expiration date. Error message. Fortunately, at this point I got suspicious and checked my online banking statement, to find that I am $40 down when I cannot afford to be $40 down. I care about children in Africa, but SERIOUSLY, SEACREST? I'VE BEEN ROBBED.
Reason the second, Jesus H. Christ, I cannot believe Michael Johns is gone. This is EGREGIOUS. America, don't you understand? This man is a star. The best looking star on that stage, so how DARE you rob me of that beautiful, classic rock, bluesy sight to instead stare at those dreadful dreadlocks of Castro. I remember back in the Top 24 when Johns closed the show with "Light My Fire," then opened the next show with "Go Your Own Way," and my brother demanded to know why he wasn't closing the show again. "He should ALWAYS close the show," he said. That's because his songs were worth waiting for, he was just always awesome. The judges claimed to like him but did not give him enough credit; they can seriously shut the fuck up about his "Across the Universe" and "Day in the Life," those were fine, and "Dream On"? HOW is that not the right song choice? Johns belongs firmly in the 70s and 80s. For shame.
I will now proceed to berate (and occasionally praise) the rest of the Idols, and everyone else can go to hell.
David "Archie" Archuleta: OVERRATED AND UNDERAGE. His nervousness was endearing at first, and his big voice was pleasantly surprising, but it's played out now. There is no way I would ever attend an Archie concert, because I would be bored to death. As my brother has said, he has an unnerving home-schooled-Scientology air to him; what the heck is going on in his stage-father-manipulated mind? If he ever gets beyond his giggles, he's spewing something about inspiration and the duty of a singer to spread peace. I realize he will not be leaving until the final two and will likely be the Idol, but I do not see what everyone else sees in him. I've seen cuter kids than that.
Carly Smithson: UNDERRATED! Why is she always in the bottom three? She has the best voice of the girls by a long shot. I will say that she does look angry, often, but at least her smile doesn't make me throw up like Brooke's does (more later). She's a very nice, genuine Irish gal who does really awesome song covers--"Come Together" and "I Drove All Night" were phenomenal. Would I go out and buy her album? Probably not, which is why she won't be The Idol, but she should not be in the bottom 3 this often. The problem is, Randy and Simon are cruel to her--one says she's always pitchy (because she's one of the only girls who actually GOES for big notes) and one keeps telling her she's fat (inconsequential). But I like her voice very much.
Jason Castro: UNCREATIVE. People. What has happened to you?! This jerk does the EXACT SAME THING EVERY WEEK, AND YOU CALL IT ORIGINAL. No! He's not! Don't you see? Every week, he will get on stage with a guitar and totally dismiss the mighty powers of Shredder in order to warble and make doofus faces. I acknowledge that I am the only person my age who does not like Jack Johnson, and the sorts of people who vote for him are the ones who want to lie on a beach with their toes in the sand smoking pot and laughing and living life in the moment, but that does not make this kid any sort of Idol. I don't understand how the judges can say that David Cook is predictable and not say so to Castro , when I can literally tell you what he is going to do every single time. Also? He can't sing. Sorry. He cuts out on the higher notes, which you might call a style, but I call a cop out. His presence in the competition doesn't totally offend me, because I know he will be weeded out soon, but people give him wayyy too much credit.
Syesha Mercado: UNOFFENSIVE. I don't mind Syesha being around, I like her well enough. She is absolutely gorgeous and has one of the best voices, second to Carly. I was so afraid of who would do "Yesterday" during Beatles week, but her rendition was just awesome. The only thing I would personally hold against her is that she constantly changes the gender in her songs ("Me and Mr. Jones," "why he had to go"). On any occasion, I don't like this tactic (particularly in AIM profiles), I think it's a little too self-preserving, but that's mighty nit-picky. But anyway, she'll probably go soon.
Brooke White: SELF-IMPRESSED CHATTY CATHY. She was endearing at first--the sweet, married, bohemian, soulful girl with one of those voices that most people like, with GREAT hair. And then. And then. She opened her mouth, and instead of singing, she wouldn't SHUT THE FUCK UP. Yap yap yap yap yap yap yap, would you cram it and let the judges have their piece? And also? Are you seriously crying before your even finish your songs? Your "Let It Be" was pretty good, but it really wasn't THAT good, and I wish Simon had said that to you instead of to David Cook (much more on this later). You even said at one point during the next week when your "Here Comes the Sun" didn't really hit home, "Well, after a week like last week, how could it get any better?" It seriously wasn't that good, Brooke, so stop driving yourself to tears with how emotional you are. And stop making that face. You know the one.
Kristy Lee Cook: ZOMG, SHE'S STILL HERE? The whole world should be in agreement that this broad needs to go, and needs to get her eyebrows taken care of, and needs to stop wearing sparkly tank tops and white pants, but they are not, and I don't understand it. She just keeps sticking around. It was funny at first, but now this is just ridiculous. Country music is awful and offensive to the ears, end of story. She didn't even sing country music at the beginning, it was Simon who put it in her head that she should, and now she will never leave. But she must. She must! No way in fucking hell should Michael "I'm Perfect" Johns have left before her. She must be stopped. I am taking out my rage of this week on her.
David Cook: THE ANSWER!!! This guy, right here, deserves to be the Idol, but shouldn't be. Why? Because he needs to go the Chris Daughtry route and go before the industry really gets its claws into him. It will come down to him and Archie, and Archie will take the gold, but Cook will be laaaaughing and laughing because he knows Hollywood will eat Archie alive. He, on the other hand, is just overall strong. I've loved him since his Bon Jovi audition (minus the faux hawk), and every week he has blown it out of the park. He constantly does new arrangements of songs you would never expect--Lionel Richie? Michael Jackson? How does he do it? And oh my god, HE BROUGHT OUT THE TALK BOX. That was incredible! And Simon had the gall to say it was predictable? Are you serious? Because my head exploded, that was such a good performance. He has every right to be smug, because he is handsome (love the new haircut) and creative and his voice is terrific. I will just pretend that he didn't pretentiously write "give back" on his hand, and I will trust him to represent the real rock stars like Johns for the rest of the competition.